Redneck Breading

This last weekend I went to visit some family who live in Elk Washington. For those of you who don’t know, and I can imagine is most every reader, Elk is about 30 miles north of Spokane Washington. It’s not so much a town as it is a post office, VFW, and a bunch of farms.

The first night there, we went out to the local bar for a beer and a game of horseshoes. The beer choices consisted of; Natural Light, Coors Light, Miller Light, etc. For a Seattleite it’s hard to adjust from beers with flavor, to beers that taste like someone drank a lot then peed into a can, before chilling it in the fridge. Three local guys joined us at the bar, local friends of my brother and sister. All three guys looked exactly the same. Have you ever seen Larry the Cable Guy? If you have, you know what these guys looked like. They were all overweight. They had either shortly shaved beards or goatees. They had almost shaved heads, and a couple had baseball caps. They wore jeans and t-shirts. As the night went on, a couple more guys joined us, also looking exactly the same. Now back to Larry the Cable Guy. If you have seen his comedy, you know he is from the south and has a slow way of speaking. Well, these guys spoke the same! That’s right, it’s like they sat around and watched his comedy, and for some reason started to believe Elk Washington was part of the south. The difference being, their jokes weren’t funny.

As the night wore on, my sister suggested we go to The V. To me, this sounded like a hip bar in downtown Seattle. In Elk Washington, it’s the VFW. At the VFW, I almost got in a fight with one of the locals, my brother wanted to fight some guy with a guitar, and of course some of the locals were looking for a fight. Amazingly, no one actually fought, but you could tell it was how they usually spent the evenings. Everyone was drinking Natural Light, and some of the guys were peeing off the patio of "The V".

My family tends to ask me why I never really want to spend time visiting them, stories like this have a lot to do with it. I won’t even go into the rest of the weekend, were I almost got shot in the head with a 22 caliber rifle, and had to fight the urge to bust a bottle over my sister’s neighbors head.