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This last weekend I went to visit some family who live in Elk Washington. For those of you who don’t know, and I can imagine is most every reader, Elk is about 30 miles north of Spokane Washington. It’s not so much a town as it is a post office, VFW, and a bunch of farms.
The first night there, we went out to the local bar for a beer and a game of horseshoes. The beer choices consisted of; Natural Light, Coors Light, Miller Light, etc. For a Seattleite it’s hard to adjust from beers with flavor, to beers that taste like someone drank a lot then peed into a can, before chilling it in the fridge. Three local guys joined us at the bar, local friends of my brother and sister. All three guys looked exactly the same. Have you ever seen Larry the Cable Guy? If you have, you know what these guys looked like. They were all overweight. They had either shortly shaved beards or goatees. They had almost shaved heads, and a couple had baseball caps. They wore jeans and t-shirts. As the night went on, a couple more guys joined us, also looking exactly the same. Now back to Larry the Cable Guy. If you have seen his comedy, you know he is from the south and has a slow way of speaking. Well, these guys spoke the same! That’s right, it’s like they sat around and watched his comedy, and for some reason started to believe Elk Washington was part of the south. The difference being, their jokes weren’t funny.
As the night wore on, my sister suggested we go to The V. To me, this sounded like a hip bar in downtown Seattle. In Elk Washington, it’s the VFW. At the VFW, I almost got in a fight with one of the locals, my brother wanted to fight some guy with a guitar, and of course some of the locals were looking for a fight. Amazingly, no one actually fought, but you could tell it was how they usually spent the evenings. Everyone was drinking Natural Light, and some of the guys were peeing off the patio of "The V".
My family tends to ask me why I never really want to spend time visiting them, stories like this have a lot to do with it. I won’t even go into the rest of the weekend, were I almost got shot in the head with a 22 caliber rifle, and had to fight the urge to bust a bottle over my sister’s neighbors head.
Comments
First I'm going to talk about the guy I almost fought with. We had just arrived at the VFW, and I was standing at the bar, waiting to order a fantastic domestic beer that y'all drink over there. Apparently beers with flavor are hard on your digestion. Anyway, I was standing, hadn't spoken to a person other than the group I was with, when one of your drunken good buddies came up to me, and started talking like a drunken moron. I'm assuming it was the fact that I wasn't wearing a t-shirt and baseball cap that made me stand out from the rest of the crowd. Anyway, in regards to that fight, I didn't say he was going to start it, I just said that I almost got into one. Let's be clear, if a fight were to break out, I was going to be throwing the first punch. Actually, I was planning on using a beer bottle and busting it over his head. But as mentioned, I hadn't received my drink yet. Also, a friend of his came over and dragged him away. Apologizing for his drunken ass, while he was doing it.
Second, the guitar thing. I actually can't verify what happened. I was told that story the next day. By that time, I had left the bar. The reason I left was after sitting on the back porch for a while, listening to the locals do their best Larry the Cable Guy impersonations, some guy actually got up and peed off the back porch. It must have been to hard for him to walk inside and use the shitty little bathroom. But that's when I decided I had enough of the VFW.
You may have been going there for 9 years and never seen a fight break out, but I seriously doubt that it's never happened. It's probably true no one has fought inside, but my guess is their have been plenty of brawls in the parking lot. But lets say in 9 years it hasn't happened, nowhere in my post do I say a fight actually broke out, just that people were talking about it. Maybe because your vagina is to sensitive, they don't normally talk like that when you are around, or maybe it was just the group I was with. I don't know, maybe they were just talking like a bunch of bad asses, to impress the city boy.
In regards to me being an ultimate jerk. Yes I am! I have an entire blog dedicated to the subject, and thanks to piss pot, redneck, Coors light drinking, towns like yours I've got plenty of jerky things to write about. Feel free to read and comment on many of the other jerk related posts available on this site. After all, it's called thecrankymonkey.com, not happyiloverednecks.com for a reason.
And finally, I would love to stay in Seattle and never go back to that place, if I could. One of the reasons I moved away from Eastern Washington, was so that I would never have to go to places like the VFW you love so much, and hang out with people like you. Unfortunately, as mentioned in the post, I have family over there, who I occasionally visit. So be proud of your little drive by spot on the map, because as far as I'm concerned, you can have it.
Oh, to wrap it all back up; there are a few errors in this response as well. After all, I am the product of an Eastern Washington education.