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Thursday, August 28, 2008

Superhero Sissies

After watching the last Batman movie and thinking to myself, "what a pussy" I began to realize that it wasn't just him, and that many of our supposed superheroes are big babies. For example:

Batman: "my parents where killed, I'm traumatized, I can't have a meaningful relationship with a woman, booo hoooo." Cry me a river Batman, you are a billionaire with access to anything you want and all kinds of cool toys. Yet you spend all your time crying about it. Oh, and man up. I realize that in movie world the good guy doesn't kill the bad guy when he gets a chance, but in reality, we totally would.

Superman: He's always crying about being in love with Lois (movie) or Lana ( Smallville show) but they can't be together because he's worried that someone will hurt her. Hello! Have you noticed Superman that girls not being involved with you, end up in just as much danger. Oh and your annoying it sucks to be me, overly moral self, get over it. You are Superman, and that blond chick on the show who likes you… shag that bitch! She's hot and totally less annoying than Lana.

Spiderman: Same story as the rest, "Oh it sucks to be me, I'm a kick ass superhero who has to fight crime." You know what Spidey, there was crime before you, and will be after you. get over yourself.

The Hulk: Come on, I'm sure there are a few women out there that would like to "make you angry", and enjoy some angry green sex.

I could go on but I won't. instead I'll talk about a superhero that makes us proud; Tony Stark ( Ironman). First of all this guy has a heart condition, but does he cry about it, no. He enjoys his super suit, he enjoys shagging hot chicks, and he enjoys his money. He also enjoys being a superhero. For those of us who watched the most recent movie, in the last scene he brags about being Ironman. Why? Because it kicks ass to be a superhero.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Can I Have My Friday Night Back?

This was sent from one of my cranky readers. And before anyone leaves a comment; No she was not on a date with me.

My worst blind date ever…usually I screen better than this-I must have been tired last week…

Presentation: I looked hot…you didn’t even change clothes from when you worked that day-and you have a physical-labor type of job! Need I say more?

Too Much: Don’t tell me on our first date that you are filing bankruptcy then proceed to quiz me on what I know about it (what?...how the fuck should I know? all I know is you are screwed and it’s not going to feel good). I’m not looking for a sugar-daddy…I mean I have done it all on my very own for the past 13 years but-WOW…talk about overshare. Plus it kind of ruins the illusion of security that us girls are looking for (don’t kid yourselves girls…we want a guy who is, at least, responsible…even if we aren’t).

Future: You said that since you were filing bankruptcy, you would never be able to buy a house or be financially secure so you wanted to meet a girl who had her ‘shit together’ so that you could just move in with her and help her out. WHAT!? Are you serious? I’m not letting you move in and fuck my life up too!

Church: You told me that you used to be a bible-thumping Christian but have fallen from the church-ok, that’s fine…but don’t specifically tell me that if I’m looking for a ‘good, Christian man’ that you aren’t it (seriously…I didn’t ask)…AND THEN…go ahead and tell me that the reason you don’t go to church anymore is because you missed being ‘physical’! Umm….I go to church, I’m a Christian, and I STILL HAVE SEX and (God forbid) I LOVE IT! (Yes, I know…I’m breaking some sort of commandment-that’s a different story for a different post). Come on…grow the fuck up…I’m not stupid-what’s the real excuse? Drugs? Alcohol? Hookers?

Drugs: you didn’t do drugs in your 20’s because of the bible-thumping thing but recently acquired the ‘Mary Jane’ bug and have to toke up at least once a month because it’s SOOO cool-you didn’t know what you were missing! You are 32 fucking years old! Again…grow the fuck up! I haven’t smoked pot since I was 19 (and I’m pretty sure it was just a contact-high anyway)…yeah, it’s called maturity-look it up. Oh and…don’t get so baked the night before our first date that you don’t sleep and you spend the whole time yawning...it’s not cute-it’s annoying.

Alcohol: I can drink 3 or 4 beers and still be somewhat sober…not you…you were feeling woozy…and you had 1!! (PS-it was a Hef…and you only ordered that because I did!) Then you had the guts to blame it on the pot-smoking the night before…ugh.

Girls: did you seriously have to watch that little Asian chick walk away? Granted…I would have been relieved if you had said ‘Hey, you know, you’re not my type and I’ve got to go’ as you tripped over yourself trying to catch up with her…but on a ‘real’ date-DON’T FUCKING DO THAT! You’re lucky that I had already decided (7 minutes after meeting you) that I was never going to see you again. (But…’thank you’ to the hot running dude without the shirt that sprinted past us about the same time-I needed that! You were in my Olympiad fantasy that night.) J

Your advice to your roommate: she went out with a guy once, then he bought tickets to a concert and invited her, she accepted only because he already had the tickets but she wasn’t interested in the guy. Ok…she’s stupid, I admit…but just because he’s a nice guy who buys her a ticket to a concert does not mean she ‘owes it to him’ to make out with him much less have sex with him (a ‘courtesy fuck’ you called it). Yeah…your exact words within the first 7 minutes of meeting you. If this is the advice you would give your kids (boys, btw) when they come of age…they are better off without you!

Speaking of kids: You sold your car (yeah…no car) a few months ago to pay child support for 2 kids you don’t see. Now…I understand you have kids-no problems there but…do you have to be a deadbeat dad too? Plus…you weren’t even going to tell me that! Because you feel like you just want to ‘start over’ (your EXACT words)! You can’t start over! They are already alive!!!! It doesn’t work that way asshole! I have a kid-it’s called responsibility! I can’t believe you said that to me. PS-would mine be part of your ‘starting over’? Or would I have to get rid of her too? … fuck you.

I can’t believe you said that: You wanted to go back to my place and ‘cuddle’ and asked me if I liked to cuddle. I lied to you-I told you ‘no, I’m not really a touchy-feely kind of person’. I love cuddling! I just don’t ever want to touch you! And your comment; ‘I could have my way with you’…NO YOU CAN’T. EVER! You said that we’d have to go back to my place to ‘cuddle’ though cuz you have 3 roommates and it gets kind of crazy. And although I’ve already admitted that I love sex (not to you…obviously) but I still have standards-you are definitely not cute enough to get away with that comment after everything you’ve already said. You asked me why I wouldn’t let you come over like 7 times! A couple reasons: 1. I don’t want you knowing where I live. 2. I don’t want to get raped. 3. I don’t want you around my child…not even pictures of her.

My escape: I’ve never EVER done this…I actually went to the bathroom and texted a friend to call me in 5 minutes so that I could have an excuse to leave. It was perfect! My best friend called me when I got back to the table and said he needed me to pick him up. I love my friends! J I should have just left from the bathroom…but I am waaayyy too nice (although not nice enough for a ‘courtesy fuck’). As a side note-I actually have a crazy ex-friend that left her horrible date, went to the parking lot and smeared dog crap all over his car before she took off (she’s f-ing crazy…thus the reason she’s an EX-friend). You’re lucky I’m not fucking nuts like her.

PDA: You commented on me not wanting to hold your hand on the walk back to my car…you scare me and I don’t have enough antibacterial gel in my car to make me feel better about touching you. I love pockets.

My car: You must’ve thought it was a Beamer or Mercedes by the way you were ogling it. It IS a Mitsubishi with all the works and…granted, I have a car so I can see how that is special but…stop stroking it….it’s CREEPY!

The kiss: You didn’t get one. Don’t try. Oh yeah…and I DO kiss on first dates (and I’ve been told I’m good at it)…just not you.

As you left: You told me that it was probably good that we had to cut our date short and didn’t go ‘cuddle’ (thanks to me) because you would have probably just pressured me to have sex with you and that probably wasn’t a good idea. WHAT!? You don’t get credit for ending it! I DO! Seriously…wtf.

Thanks for the call on Sunday: Good use of the 2 day rule. Yeah…I ignored it…then erased your message, your phone number and blocked your email address. Good Luck.

I’m almost turned off by blind dating….almost.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

20Cent Fee on Plastic and Paper Bags

I posted recently about the city of Seattle proposing a 20cent fee on bags at grocery stores. Well, apparently not enough people protested it, because it passed. Starting this January every time a person gets a bag from a store in Seattle, they will be charged an extra 20 cents.

For those who think this will save the planet, it won't. it doesn't have any effect on the amount of plastic going into the dumps. People will just have to buy bags that they use for trash instead of using grocery ones. All this does is allow the government to make money, using environmentalism as an excuse. And note; if this did have to do with plastics in the dumps, then why are the also charging a fee of paper?!?!

If you want to learn more about this chicken shit new law, check out these sites and fight back. If you see a petition somewhere to get this repelled, sign it.


Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Start Learning Spanish White Boy

The U.S. Census Bureau is reporting that by the year 2042 good old whitey will no longer be the majority of the population. If you read the story on MSNBC, at least, that's how they make it sound. Technically that's not true. Yes, there won't be more white folk than minorities anymore, but Caucasians will still be the majority, as compared to any individual minority. So to all you conservatives sweating it out, don't worry, it's just that when all the groups are combined you won't be the top dogs.

If you want to know the largest growing population, assuming you can't guess, it's the Hispanic population. Besides all the immigration, those Mexicans are breeders. The Hispanic population is projected to double. And as anyone who has visited a fast food restaurants knows, they don't speak English all that well, so start studying Spanish, because one of these days, it might be the only way you will be able to order that Big Mac.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Cranky About Motorcycles

This week I reached the 1000 mile mark on my motorcycle, and since this is the Cranky Monkey, I decided to commemorate the occasion by posting top 10 things that make me cranky about motorcycles.

10. Not enough motorcycle parking. Come on Seattle, you want to get people out of those SUV's and into something smaller, you need to provide reasons to do so. If I could find more safe motorcycle parking downtown, I might be more inclined to ride my bike down there.
9. Helmet hair. In the morning my hair is usually still wet when I leave for work, and by the time I get to work it has dried into a disaster.
8. Large groups of riders going on rides. You are driving down the road and this large spread out group of riders is cruising along. They are spread out far enough to where it's impossible to pass them, and you are stuck waiting for a passing lane.
7. The weather. Yes riding when the weather is great, is great. But living in Seattle that's not very often. And quite often instead of riding I'm stuck driving, thanks to the weather.
6. The wave. This actually used to be kind of cool. Riding down the road, you see another rider and you each do a quick acknowledgement wave. But sometimes you do it, and the other guy doesn't, which makes him a dick. Or sometimes you just don't want to wave back, especially if you are cruising down the interstate or shifting, and don't want to take your hand off the grip.
5. People who asks, "what kind of bike do you have?" but have no clue about motorcycles. Anyone who rides a motorcycle knows what I'm talking about. You are in the office, your helmet is on your desk and a coworker say, "Oh you have a motorcycle. what kind of bike is it?" You then tell the person and you can see in their eyes they have no clue what you are talking about, so they then say, "Cool" and change the subject to something else.
4. Maintenance. You have to clean and lube the chain every 200 miles, check the slack every 500, so forth and so on. Doesn't the manufacturer know I just want to ride the damn thing.
3. The Lynnwood Cycle Barn. This actually isn't a complaint about riding, but about a place that sells motorcycles. They have the worst sales people out of any sales people. If this country had a consistently shitty sales person contest, the Cycle Barn would always win. If you don't believe me, look up reviews on this place, they are all bad. Unfortunately they are one of the few places in in Western Washington that sells Triumphs. Triumph Motorcycle Company, if you are reading this please find another dealer in north Seattle. You probably loose business because of this place.
2. Dumbasses on crotch rockets. These are the ones that give other bike riders bad names. They race in and out of traffic, cutting people off, and being total dumbasses. Then when they do get in a wreck, everyone acts like it's the drivers fault not the rider.
1. Most every driver on the road. These are the people who don't see you, are to busy talking on their phones, eating, not paying attention, or driving red BMW's with Obama stickers on the back. When an accident happens it hurts the person on the bike more than the car. So, if we get rid of the cars, we get rid of the problem.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

California Taxes

This was sent from one of my cranky readers:

A friend of mine sent me some information about more taxes in California. I used to live in California and it Sucked! Not only are Californians snobby but they are always grumpy and complaining about everything but never do anything to make it better. Everyone is always way to busy and thinks someone else will step up. So my friend helped put a rally together to protest a new tax that will be on the ballot this fall. It's an increase in state taxes so they can put condom machines in the men's prison in Vacaville Cal. The prison is reporting a high outbreak of sexual transmitted diseases. So to stop this the only thing they can come up with is a safe sex campaign. For those of you who don't know Vacaville it's an armpit. The prison is high security because it holds death row inmates and the worst of the worst rapists and murderers. So here's the thing do these losers really need to have safe sex. Just let them butt fuck each other and kill each other off. However, once again nobody wants' to get involved of take the time from there "busy schedule" to get involved. My parents still live in Cal. around this area and won't even go, and they are about conservative as you can get.

So even though I feel sorry for my friend who has to pay so inmates can have safe sex. I say screw the rest of you. You deserve to pay and quite your bitching.

I'm in agreement with this reader. Another idea that they should consider is to slip antidepressants or some other sex drive reducing narcotic into the meals of the inmates. If they want to waste money, why not waste it in a way that reduces the sex drive all together. No erection, no butt sex.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Rossi for G.O.P. Party

Here in Washington we are in the process of sending in our primary voter ballets. The ballot includes half a dozen names for governor, including our current governor and the person who lost last time around; Dino Rossi. Dino lost the last election in the same way Al Gore lost to Bush, by a few miscounted votes. But what Dino did differently than Gore, was he never shut up about it. He continued fighting in courts, and in the news, and everywhere else he could find. Gore actually took the higher road and when the decision was made, stepped aside. He also didn't force us to vote for or against him in the next election, like Rossi is doing this time around.

Rossi is running for governor again this fall, and this time I hope he looses badly and gets the hint to go away. I believe that a Republican governor might not be a bad idea for this state, and I dislike our current governor Chris Gregoire as much as everyone else, but don't believe that a cry baby looser is the way to go about it.

For those voting this primary, think about it like this: We have two Republicans on the ballot. One of them has listed as his preferred party "Republican Party". Which is an actual political party. Rossi on the other hand has listed under his preferred party "G.O.P party".

Dino F.Y.I. - G.O.P. is a reference to the Republican Party but it's not actually the name of the party. And I'm no grammar expert, but by G.O.P party you are actually saying Grand Old Party party, which makes you sound like a fucking retard.

Friday, August 08, 2008

BMW vs Triumph

Let me tell you a little story about my ride into work this morning. I'm cruising down the carpool lane and there isn't a lot of traffic. Since there is little traffic I'm going well above the speed limit. 70 in a 60 zone to be exact. Some guy in a dark red BMW comes up behind me, and eventually flies past me, I'm guessing he's doing 80. I don't think much of it, as he gets in front of me. I stare at the Obama stickers on the back of his car and think, "what a jackass for ruining such a nice car", as he eventually gets held up by the truck front of him due to the traffic getting thicker. I pretty much follow him the rest of the way.

We get towards the exit and he gets over way before I do, and I eventually start getting over. By this time, I had gotten in front since I stayed in the carpool lane longer. It's crowded and it's getting close to the exit, so I have to get in front of this guy to exit. I turn my signal on and as soon as I do, he does the asshole thing and speeds up. I cut over real quick anyway. He honks his horn at me. I'll admit I have a short temper as it is, and if had been in my truck I probably would have slammed on my breaks forcing my trailer hitch into the grill of his fancy car. But I was on my bike, so I didn't do anything.

The exit swings around onto a two lane road. The guy and the fat chick in the passenger seat start waiving their hands flipping me off.

Ok! Now I'm pissed! I race up ahead of them, cut in front of him and slam onto my breaks. I flip the kickstand down, and get off the bike. We start yelling. The ugly cow gets out of the passenger seat, but the guy just sits in his car and lets his woman do the arguing for him. The thought does cross my mind to start jumping on the hood of his car, but I'm still rational enough to know that my bike is in front if his car, and he'd probably hit the gas if I did that. During the fight I found out that the reason he was being such a jackass was, he was pissed about having to pass me on the highway. Apperantly my 70 was to slow for him.

The guy never did get out of his car, so a fight never actually broke out. I do miss the good old days (before my time) that a couple guys could pull into a parking lot and duke it out, instead of letting their women do the arguing for them. Especially when one of the guys is wearing a helmet with motorcycle gloves on.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Proud to Live in Seattle

Forbes recently published a story on cities with the highest inflation rate, and lucky me, Seattle is tied for the top spot. Not only do have the worst traffic, some of the highest house prices and cost of living, but we can now brag about the highest inflation rate. One of the reasons for this is, only in Seattle can they raise the prices of things and people will actually still pay for it. Other cities keep inflation down but not buying crap as the prices go up.

Well Seattle, if we are going to be bad at something , we might as well be at the top of the list…

- Full article on MSN -

Monday, August 04, 2008

Anthrax Anyone?

Remember the anthrax scare we had a few years back? Someone was mailing envelopes of it to government agencies, and the country was in a panic about the stuff? Remember how it stopped, but we never heard anything about the government catching the person? Well, that's because they didn't actually catch the person. Think about this; anthrax is a controlled substance. There are only a few places in the country that even has the stuff, and just about as many people who have access to it. The person used the postal service to mail it, which means the sending location can be narrowed down, assuming the person didn't fly across the country to drop the letters in the mail.

So this controlled substance, hard to find, few people with access, was able to be sent all over the place, and the FBI, our top cops weren't able to find the person. They did accuse one person of it, who ended up not being the right guy and ended up suing the FBI for about 5 million dollars.

Well for those of you who haven't heard, the actual (suspect) person who did the mailings, Bruce Ivins, killed himself last week. 7 years later they never actually charged a guy who worked as an anthrax researcher at the U.S. Army’s main biodefense laboratories at Fort Detrick, Md. I can kind of see why it would be hard for the FBI to think it was this guy though, after all he was one of their resources during the search for the killer.

Read some more on MSN. You can even read about how his therapist had a restraining order against the guy out of fear for her own life.

But more importantly, what have we learned from this? That anyone with half a brain can totally do whatever the hell they want, because the FBI, police, and government overall is incompitant. If they couldn't catch and charge this guy with a crime; imagine what the rest of us could get away with. Criminals of the country, rise up! Get out there and do those bad deeds, and if you do them right, you will get away scott free! Whoo Hoooo!!!!