Can I Have My Friday Night Back?

This was sent from one of my cranky readers. And before anyone leaves a comment; No she was not on a date with me.

My worst blind date ever…usually I screen better than this-I must have been tired last week…

Presentation: I looked hot…you didn’t even change clothes from when you worked that day-and you have a physical-labor type of job! Need I say more?

Too Much: Don’t tell me on our first date that you are filing bankruptcy then proceed to quiz me on what I know about it (what?...how the fuck should I know? all I know is you are screwed and it’s not going to feel good). I’m not looking for a sugar-daddy…I mean I have done it all on my very own for the past 13 years but-WOW…talk about overshare. Plus it kind of ruins the illusion of security that us girls are looking for (don’t kid yourselves girls…we want a guy who is, at least, responsible…even if we aren’t).

Future: You said that since you were filing bankruptcy, you would never be able to buy a house or be financially secure so you wanted to meet a girl who had her ‘shit together’ so that you could just move in with her and help her out. WHAT!? Are you serious? I’m not letting you move in and fuck my life up too!

Church: You told me that you used to be a bible-thumping Christian but have fallen from the church-ok, that’s fine…but don’t specifically tell me that if I’m looking for a ‘good, Christian man’ that you aren’t it (seriously…I didn’t ask)…AND THEN…go ahead and tell me that the reason you don’t go to church anymore is because you missed being ‘physical’! Umm….I go to church, I’m a Christian, and I STILL HAVE SEX and (God forbid) I LOVE IT! (Yes, I know…I’m breaking some sort of commandment-that’s a different story for a different post). Come on…grow the fuck up…I’m not stupid-what’s the real excuse? Drugs? Alcohol? Hookers?

Drugs: you didn’t do drugs in your 20’s because of the bible-thumping thing but recently acquired the ‘Mary Jane’ bug and have to toke up at least once a month because it’s SOOO cool-you didn’t know what you were missing! You are 32 fucking years old! Again…grow the fuck up! I haven’t smoked pot since I was 19 (and I’m pretty sure it was just a contact-high anyway)…yeah, it’s called maturity-look it up. Oh and…don’t get so baked the night before our first date that you don’t sleep and you spend the whole time yawning...it’s not cute-it’s annoying.

Alcohol: I can drink 3 or 4 beers and still be somewhat sober…not you…you were feeling woozy…and you had 1!! (PS-it was a Hef…and you only ordered that because I did!) Then you had the guts to blame it on the pot-smoking the night before…ugh.

Girls: did you seriously have to watch that little Asian chick walk away? Granted…I would have been relieved if you had said ‘Hey, you know, you’re not my type and I’ve got to go’ as you tripped over yourself trying to catch up with her…but on a ‘real’ date-DON’T FUCKING DO THAT! You’re lucky that I had already decided (7 minutes after meeting you) that I was never going to see you again. (But…’thank you’ to the hot running dude without the shirt that sprinted past us about the same time-I needed that! You were in my Olympiad fantasy that night.) J

Your advice to your roommate: she went out with a guy once, then he bought tickets to a concert and invited her, she accepted only because he already had the tickets but she wasn’t interested in the guy. Ok…she’s stupid, I admit…but just because he’s a nice guy who buys her a ticket to a concert does not mean she ‘owes it to him’ to make out with him much less have sex with him (a ‘courtesy fuck’ you called it). Yeah…your exact words within the first 7 minutes of meeting you. If this is the advice you would give your kids (boys, btw) when they come of age…they are better off without you!

Speaking of kids: You sold your car (yeah…no car) a few months ago to pay child support for 2 kids you don’t see. Now…I understand you have kids-no problems there but…do you have to be a deadbeat dad too? Plus…you weren’t even going to tell me that! Because you feel like you just want to ‘start over’ (your EXACT words)! You can’t start over! They are already alive!!!! It doesn’t work that way asshole! I have a kid-it’s called responsibility! I can’t believe you said that to me. PS-would mine be part of your ‘starting over’? Or would I have to get rid of her too? … fuck you.

I can’t believe you said that: You wanted to go back to my place and ‘cuddle’ and asked me if I liked to cuddle. I lied to you-I told you ‘no, I’m not really a touchy-feely kind of person’. I love cuddling! I just don’t ever want to touch you! And your comment; ‘I could have my way with you’…NO YOU CAN’T. EVER! You said that we’d have to go back to my place to ‘cuddle’ though cuz you have 3 roommates and it gets kind of crazy. And although I’ve already admitted that I love sex (not to you…obviously) but I still have standards-you are definitely not cute enough to get away with that comment after everything you’ve already said. You asked me why I wouldn’t let you come over like 7 times! A couple reasons: 1. I don’t want you knowing where I live. 2. I don’t want to get raped. 3. I don’t want you around my child…not even pictures of her.

My escape: I’ve never EVER done this…I actually went to the bathroom and texted a friend to call me in 5 minutes so that I could have an excuse to leave. It was perfect! My best friend called me when I got back to the table and said he needed me to pick him up. I love my friends! J I should have just left from the bathroom…but I am waaayyy too nice (although not nice enough for a ‘courtesy fuck’). As a side note-I actually have a crazy ex-friend that left her horrible date, went to the parking lot and smeared dog crap all over his car before she took off (she’s f-ing crazy…thus the reason she’s an EX-friend). You’re lucky I’m not fucking nuts like her.

PDA: You commented on me not wanting to hold your hand on the walk back to my car…you scare me and I don’t have enough antibacterial gel in my car to make me feel better about touching you. I love pockets.

My car: You must’ve thought it was a Beamer or Mercedes by the way you were ogling it. It IS a Mitsubishi with all the works and…granted, I have a car so I can see how that is special but…stop stroking it….it’s CREEPY!

The kiss: You didn’t get one. Don’t try. Oh yeah…and I DO kiss on first dates (and I’ve been told I’m good at it)…just not you.

As you left: You told me that it was probably good that we had to cut our date short and didn’t go ‘cuddle’ (thanks to me) because you would have probably just pressured me to have sex with you and that probably wasn’t a good idea. WHAT!? You don’t get credit for ending it! I DO! Seriously…wtf.

Thanks for the call on Sunday: Good use of the 2 day rule. Yeah…I ignored it…then erased your message, your phone number and blocked your email address. Good Luck.

I’m almost turned off by blind dating….almost.

Comments

Rooster said…
Situations like this are one of many reasons why I'm happy that I'm married!

I have a few comments:
- Crazy x-friend, do you just happen to have dog crap handy at all times? Where do keep it? In your purse?
- The comment about getting all baked and staying up all night... not true. You get all baked, your ass is passin out. Most likely he was doing something else... Trust me, I know. I spent a good 10 years of my life smokin Mary Jane.
- 1 hef and he's "woozy"? Pussy.
- Blind dates are a bad idea. Period.

That's all my criticisms for now.

Good luck in the future.
CM said…
Good point. Or if she found the poop on the ground, did she pick it up with her hand?
sfocken said…
Crazy girl took her tiny annoying dog with her everywhere (yes, in her purse). As far as how it was transferred from the dog to the car...I didn't ask. I could do another blog just on how screwed up she was...ugh.
PS-yeah...I didn't believe him about the amount or type of drugs...again...I didn't ask.
CM said…
She took her tiny dog on a date? Yeah this guy must have been a looser. If a girl showed up on a date with me, and she had one of those in her purse, I would have gotten up and walked out the second she showed it to me.
Brad said…
CM if a girl showed up with a dog in her purse you'd pull out the peanut butter.
CM said…
That's a bold statement coming from a guy who actually has one of those dogs. The only difference is instead of carrying it around in your purse, you cram it into your vagina.
Brad said…
I like how you don't deny you'd be all over the peanut butter...
CM said…
Likewise with the mini-dog in your vagina.