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Friday, July 31, 2009

"I'm Not Gay"

I was down at the 7-Eleven today, taking a break from the office with a co-worker. The co-worker was picking up some smokes. While I waited, I decided to hang out by the magazine rack. As I'm standing there, a tall black guy comes walking up. He's wearing his pimped out jacket, even though it's over 80 degrees outside, he has the long shorts on that hang down to the point that they look like capri pants. He has his baseball cap turned to the side, and is basically a walking stereotype.

The conversation went something like this:

He grabs a Vibe Magazine, flips it open real quick to some girls in bikini pics, and says to me, "I'm so glad I'm not gay."
Me - "Um, yeah."
Him - Flipping through the magazine, "Not that I care if people are, just I'm glad I'm not gay. When I look at this, I'm glad I'm not gay"
Me - "Yeah, me to. I was just looking at this Maxim." Pointing to the Maxim Magazine with the scantly clad model on the front, to prove that I also am not gay.
Him - "When I look at pictures like these, I just am so glad I'm not gay."
Me - Nodding my head in agreement at the crazy mother fucker.
Him - "I am so glad I'm not gay"
Me - Continuing to nod in agreement.
Him - "When I was 8 (yes, he said 8) and watching porn, I was totally not looking at the dicks"
Me - looking over at the counter to see what was taking my buddy so long, "Umm hmm."
Him - I don't even know whey they show dicks."
Me - Walking to the other side of the rack, closer to the door and picking up a motorcycle magazine to flip through, "Yep, that's a pretty good sign you aren't gay."
Him - "I only want to look at the girls."
Me - "Me to."
Him - Still looking at the pictures, "Man, I'm so straight."
Me - Noticing my buddy walking towards the door. "Ready?" I walked out to join him for a smoke, even though I don't actually smoke.

I'd say this is a pretty accurate typing of the conversation, other than I might have left out a few "I'm not gay" statements. I'm going to make an assumption that this guy has some issues to work out.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

The Great Heat Wave of 09

Where were you on that day in July, when the temperature exceeded 100 degrees and broke a record? Years from now, we can ask our friends and family, where they were that Wednesday back in 2009. it's in the news, it's in the conversations, it's all around us as it's so sweltering hot. The day was Wednesday July 29th and as is typical in this region, we complain about the rain, we complain about the traffic, we complain about the heat. Yes, my home was so hot I couldn't sit at home last night, and was forced to go to the local air-conditioned bar, play pool and drink beer with friends… Oh, it was so rough having to wait on that next cold one to be served up, it was so rough the few times I lost at the game, oh it was so rough going home after and walking into the oven of a home.

Yes! We can now add one more, "where were you the day _" to the list. Along with the heavy snow days, the earthquake day, and the day the twin towers fell… Now, we can say where were you the day it hit 103?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

I Once Was Alive- Now it's the Next Generations Turn

And on to the next generation where we will no longer have real names, only online personas slowing becoming a series of 1's and 0's in a database somewhere. Where if your girlfriend/boyfriend pisses you off, you will post it for the world to see. Where your career can be made or broken based upon your online presence. A new generation, that will live in closer and closer confines, yet know less and less about the person living on the other side of the wall. A generation that recycles religiously and eats organic, yet knows nothing about poverty, water and food shortages from around the world; other than what they see on TV, or some quick paced flash filled new clip. A clip that they have seen so often, that its meaning will have lost all impact. A generation that will curse it's predecessor for what they have been given, yet be so overwhelmed with it, that change will seem futile. And so, they will continue the current pace of increased medication and consumption; not because they don't know better, but with no point to it all, they might as well. The hope of the future, will only end up as a repeat of the past, as all time has been.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

I Once Was Alive- Now I'm A Left-Wing, Know-It-All, Pseudo-Hippie

What kind of a generation have us X's turned into? A generation that watched our free love, hippie parents turn in the flowers for a desk job and an SUV. We've consumed to the point that our economy is dependant on it. We buy our Toyota Prius thinking we are saving the planet, all the while contributing to it's overpopulation. A generation where we will anonymously express our political views online, calling each other names and throwing out insults. The right and the left, in a never ending battle of superiority being broadcast for the world to see. A generation that feels the need to donated money to offset our carbon footprint to some unknown charity, so that we can feel better about that family road trip, or flight to a tropical 3rd world island where we stay in that all inclusive resort. The resort where our only experience in the local life has to do with the people who bring us our umbrella filled drinks. A generation that spends its free time responding to e-mail on our Blackberry's; while watching reality television and laughing at the stupidity of others. All so that we can afford our McMansions to house the children that we send to schools, where they learn about rainbow parties at 13, and sending nude pictures of each other to friends on there iPhones. We do all this in a self-centered attempt at creating the next generation. A generation that we think our ultra liberal/conservative ways will make them a better generation than the one before; totally clueless that they have less soul than the one before.

Monday, July 27, 2009

I Once Was Alive- Now I'm Online

I was out with a couple of friends last Friday evening, and somehow the subject of Facebook came up, as it often does these days. And I found myself almost bragging about the number of friends I had on the site, as if the number of random people, many whom I never talk to, is a statistic on how important I am. The conversation also involved my blog, or maybe it was someone else's blog, who knows these days as we all have one.

Last year it was MySpace, this year it's Facebook and Twitter, before that it was the blog or the personal website; and who knows what next year will bring, as the internet pundits are already predicting the death of Facebook, and trying to predict what will take it's place.

What have we become as a nation, a world, and a generation- where If it isn't said online, it hasn't been said. Where this little plastic and solder box I'm typing into was supposed to free us, giving us more time, that now takes up the majority of our days and nights. We've made them smaller and smaller, combining them with our phones so we can take them with us everywhere. Now instead of talking to each other at concerts and bars, we can update our "status" and add "friends" instead. No wonder we are a pill popping, pot smoking, microbrew drinking generation, slowly acknowledging our reach on middle age. Once a generation of music television watching, action packed movie kids, who thought we were going to be "somebody," only to find ourselves blogging each day as a temporary respite from creating that Power Point presentation, full of bubbles and animations that needs to be e-mailed to the boss, to demonstrate our added value to the bottom line.

And so with that - blog time is over. Now for another cup of Starbucks coffee, before compiling those spreadsheets, and prepping for the next meeting where we will review the spreadsheets, make notes of the ideas we have, and agree upon the time for the follow up meeting.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Bill Mahar on Michael Jackson and America

Being one of the people who is sick of hearing about Michael Jackson; a guy who until his death pretty much no one liked, Bill Mahar does a pretty good job of relating our obsession with him, and what it means to be an American. Check it out.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

7 Steps to Becoming A High Priced Call Girl - Not Really!

Thinking about going into the oldest profession in the world in these hard economic times? If so, give it some thought and planning before just jumping into the business. Sure, anyone can be a low class hooker, walking the street offering $20.00 blow jobs, but to be the next Ashley Dupre charging $4,000.00 a night, you need to be extra special. So here are the 7 steps to classy prostitution- the Cranky Monkey way:

1 - You have to be hot. This is hard because you are either hot or not. But a guy isn't going to pay good money for a not, so hit the gym.
2 - If you are offering hand jobs, do it right. If I have to close my eyes and imagine my own hand doing it, you are doing something wrong.
3 - Younger is better. Sorry ladies, but you will make more in your early 20's than in your early 50's. So invest some of that money for later in life when things start to sag.
4 - Do those Kegel exercises. You are going to be using it a lot, so you'll want to keep it as tight as possible.
5 - Don't just rely on your snatch. Most guys paying 4 grand to spend the night with you are probably married to some rigid bitch who only married him for clout or money. If he's spending the night with you, he wants to be entertained and someone to talk to. He might even want to go out for a night on the town and have fun.
6 - Keep it clean. Nothing worse than pulling back the panties and getting a whiff of stale vagina. Also, no guy likes harry legs, pits, or big bush. So keep it shaved and/or trimmed tight.
7 - Use a madam or a service. Hookers use pimps, classy girls use a madam or a members only website.

Ladies if you follow these 7 simple rules, you will have a short yet profitable career in the "oldest profession."

Updated 8/8/2016
I originally posted this article in 2009 and now 7 years later after receiving over 34k page hits I received a notice by google that this blog post is violating their editorial policy. "Google ads may not be placed on pages with adult or any kinds of non family-safe content. This includes, but is not limited to, pages with images or videos containing..."

Based on the email it was clear that the editorial agent who flagged the page is totally unaware that this article is a joke, it is satire, it is not meant to be an actual guide to becoming a prostitute. Hopefully me now clarify that and changing the title will make it clear due to the mindless drones that work for google.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The End of the Line for the Fish

Interesting movie to think about next time you are eating that nice healthy fish for dinner.

The End of the Line :: Home Page

Shared via AddThis

Friday, July 17, 2009

Microsoft FTE's Who Can't Use Own Products

One of the amazing things (or not so amazing) about working at Microsoft is the lack of ability for Microsoft employees to actually use there own products.

I was in a meeting yesterday and it took two of them to update a meeting invite, and they actually had to rely on a vender to tell them out to update the meeting in outlook.
Yesterday, I was involved in a meeting and the meeting started 20 minutes late because the Microsoft employee running the meeting couldn't set up a conference call and live meeting at the same time.

On a regular bases I get questions from Microsoft employees asking how to edit SharePoint content, a product that Microsoft created.

Pretty much the only product that I've found Microsoft employees can use is Excel. In fact they are so dependant on it to manage there work, that when they are provided with a much better tool for managing work, they revert back to Excel.

Almost daily I'm amazed that this company is the largest software company in the world.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Fat America and Healthcare

We've been hearing a lot lately about health care with the Democrats attempting to revamp the system. One of the big things we hear about is of course the cost, "the rising cost of healthcare." The government wants to spend money to reduce the cost for all the Americans who love to over drug themselves, and over indulge.

According the latest study on obesity; Americans are getting fatter. Resulting in us having been, and continuing to be, the fattest country in the world. According to MSNBC the "obesity rates among adults rose in 23 states over the past year, and no state experienced a significant decline." Yet I have not heard a single politician on either side step up and say, how about we look at the root cause of the problem and try to fix that instead - fat people. According to the study "Medicare spends anywhere from $1,400 to $6,000 more annually on health care for an obese senior than for the non-obese." The fatties need diabetes care, have heart problems, and any number of other obese related issues.

Why is the government not focusing on the root problem? We can shit talk a smoker, but not a fat person. Instead of spending billions on healthcare reform, why not spend millions to promote health and wellness? Why not implement laws that require school to sell healthy lunches? Why?!?! Because we are a nation of political correctness and no politician wants to offend potential voters. Especially when those voters are older and overweight.

On an interesting side note: Eight of the 10 fattest states are in the South, with the Northeast and West slightly fitter than the rest of the country. The southern states usually being the ones who vote Republican, the party of small government will be the ones most in need of government sponsored medical assistance.

Thursday, July 09, 2009

The French Rude? No Way!

You ever hear about Americans traveling in France, and how the French accuse us of being rude. Well now we can respond back with, "at least we are not as rude as you." In a recent study by Expedia that rated the rudest tourists, The French came in as the number one rudest tourists. The French apparently act arrogant (big surprise) but they also don't bother to learn the local language, and get offended at the fact that we like to tip our servers, i.e. they are cheep.

Check out yahoo news for full story.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Ahhhh The American Dream

As the 4th of July draws to a close and America celebrates its freedom, it is customary to spend some time reflecting on the American dream and what that means to us. The American dream of owning a house with a white picket fence, two kids, an SUV in the driveway and a 50 inch plasma TV hanging on wall in the family room. Our great nation of roads and highways that allow us to commute to the McMansions invading the country side, where we don't have to worry about cutting down our oxygen producing forests, because we can expect the Amazon to always be there. The land where you can say anything you want as long as you don't offend anyone. The home of the brave who will invade another country to protect us from perceived threats. Soldiers fighting at the bequest of our politicians, taking prisoners who we deny the same rights that we as citizens expect to receive. The land of the Christian majority who love you and forgive you even though they know you are going to hell. Ah yes, the land of the free the home of the brave; where we spend our independence day fattening ourselves on beer, burgers, and potato salad before settling in to light off those Chinese made fireworks; celebrating independence from excessive taxes and lack of quality representation. So let us all sing that The Star-Spangled Banner in praise of this great nation we proudly live... assuming we even know the words.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009