Lessons of Success

Microsoft has enlightened me about what it means to be successful in our society. In case I hadn’t picked up the myriad other social cues I could have snatched along my life’s path, I can see exactly what success looks like through Clip Art Online.

Simply type in the word “success” and hit enter. That’s all it takes! You will be taken on a vivid, photographic journey definitive of what it really, truly is to be successful. Just take a look!

The first page is so enlightening! I am learning that I can be successful if I get a sex change! Good thing I’m white, or else I don’t think it would work out for me. I guess I may want to buy a dark or neutral toned suit and make sure I learn how to wear a tie properly, as it seems this is an important part of being successful. At least I already know how to read newspapers, phew!

Uh oh! Page two makes it seem as though I may need to add a blazer to my ensemble and, what’s this? How many “thumbs up” signals should I give, to whom, and how often? Maybe success is more difficult than I thought?! I’ll take it slowly, practice the hand gestures and smirking, and maybe buy a red tie for the collection…

But wait! The Santa hat, what does it mean! Must I be Christian and start celebrating Christmas? Oh no! I guess I’ll have to become religious and worship other people’s imaginary friends. Damn. And, oh crap! It looks like I might need to become rich for success to be meaningful in my life. Shoot. I’m pretty poor. Still, at least I’m not black. That almost-black lady seems to be present in the world of the successful and mighty only because she has a group of white people standing behind her, ready to support her in case her inferior, black culture crops up to take over her better, white-driven senses.

Oh, I finally see! I don’t need a sex change, after all! I just need to dye my hair blonde, smile a lot, and stand with my arms crossed frequently, maybe in a field of daisies. So long as I’m still kind of sexual and show off my breasts, I might be ok. Unlike the men, I might want to unbutton the top few buttons of my dress shirt and show a little cleavage. And charts, charts, charts! Maybe I’ll tattoo one on my ass. That should cover it.

Good thing Microsoft is so amazing at reflecting our society’s cultural values about success or I’d be a wreck in life. Now that I know how to become successful, I’m going to go share this information with all of the brunettes, gingers, unattractives, and people who are not white so that they can also learn how to achieve more in life. Hurrah for progress!


CM said…
being a white male who occasionally works for microsoft... I must be a super success.