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Tuesday, November 15, 2011

How to Avoid Being a Hipster Douche

Hipsters
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Unfortunately, living in the Pacific Northwest we have a tendency to get hipsterites easily. It doesn't help that most of us are fans of microbrews and indie music, and could easily be confused for a hipster. But their are some distinguishing traits to hipsters that allow them to be set apart from decent people.

So here are some things to look for when identifying hipsters, so that you can avoid some of these traits and people.

  • They listen to music no one has ever heard of, and if you mention that you heard that bands song on the radio they will stop listening to that band and talk shit to you for listening to it.
  • If listening to the radio they only listen to two radio stations: NPR or the local public supported station, in Seattle it would be KEXP.
  • They are very concerned about their appearance and style although will act like they are not.
  • They wear oversized framed glasses (think Ira Glass) and in some cases wear those glasses even though they don't need them.
  • Men will often wear t-shirts with ironic sayings or images on them with a blazer or sweater over it.
  • Women will usually wear clothing found at a second hand store, most likely a dress styled from the 70's.
  • Both men and women are fans of bright colored tennis shoes, such as the ones made by Converse or Vans.
  • Generally hipsters are in college or have recently graduation with a college degrees. They grew up in the suburbs, which is why they live within the city and pretend they have no money. Even though their parents paid for college and they will end up working for a startup corporation themselves, which will be bought-out by a real corporation eventually.
  • They refuse to go to chain restaurants or stores, as they are too good to support large corporations preferring dark bars that pass themselves off as speakeasy's or pubs. And their beer of choice is PBR, owned by a large corporation.
  • They reject corporate America even though they all own Apple Computers and have iPhones.
  • If they own a car it will usually be a hybrid of some kind. But, generally they don't have cars while living in the city. Hipsters prefer to ride bicycles or mass transit as it helps contribute to their feelings of being better than everyone else. 
If engaging a hipster in conversation, they will continually try to impress you with how knowledgeable they are on all subjects, and how you are an idiot for not agreeing with them. Although, they won't say it, it will come across in their holier-than-thou attitude. The easiest way to end a conversation with a hipster is to accuse them of being a hipster. If you are lucky, they will be offended and walk away. If you are unlucky, they will begin explaining all the ways that they are not a hipster.

It is important to avoid hipsters at all cost as hipsterites is contagious. One of the first signs will be your new-found interest in indie films and a desire to get a tattoo. If you find an interest in these things it is important to drink a six pack of Coors Light while watching two Sylvester Stallone movies, followed by Avatar.


5 comments:

Anonymous said...

love it.

Anonymous said...

So let me get this straight-
Hipster Douche = Liberal?

CM said...

Probably in the same way, conservative = right-wing, anti-science, tea-bagger

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha too true

Anonymous said...

*there