Thinking about going into the oldest profession in the world in these hard economic times? If so, give it some thought and planning before just jumping into the business. Sure, anyone can be a low-class hooker, walking the street offering $20.00 blow jobs, but to be the next Ashley Dupre charging $4,000.00 a night, you need to be extra special. So here are the 7 steps to classy prostitution- the Cranky Monkey way:
1 - You have to be hot. This is hard because you are either hot or not. But a guy isn't going to pay good money for a "not," so hit the gym.
2 - If you are offering hand jobs, do it right. If I have to close my eyes and imagine my own hand doing it, you are doing something wrong.
3 - Younger is better. Sorry ladies, but you will make more in your early 20's than in your early 50's. So invest some of that money for later in life when things start to sag.
4 - Do those Kegel exercises. You are going to be using it a lot, so you'll want to keep it as tight as possible.
5 - Don't just rely on your snatch. Most guys paying four grand to spend the night with you are probably married to some rigid bitch who only married him for clout or money. If he's spending the night with you, he wants to be entertained and someone to talk to. He might even want to go out for a night on the town and have fun.
6 - Keep it clean. Nothing worse than pulling back the panties and getting a whiff of a nappy vagina. Also, no guy likes hairy legs, pits, or big bush. So keep it shaved and/or trimmed tight.
7 - Use a madam or a service. Hookers use pimps, classy girls use a madam or a members-only website.
Ladies if you follow these seven simple rules, you will have a short yet profitable career in the "oldest profession."
I originally posted this article in 2009 and now seven years later after receiving over 34k page hits I received a notice by Google that this blog post is violating their editorial policy. "Google ads may not be placed on pages with adult or any kinds of non family-safe content. This includes, but is not limited to, pages with images or videos containing..."
Based on the email it was clear that the editorial agent who flagged the page is totally unaware that this article is a joke, it is satire, it is not meant to be an actual guide to becoming a prostitute. Hopefully, me now clarify that and changing the title will make it clear due to the mindless drones that work for Google.