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Friday, February 29, 2008

Shove This Volt Up Your Ass

I'm on my second contract at Microsoft. Since Microsoft was sued for having contracted employees on for extended periods of time, they have a rule that when a contract is up, you have to take 100 days off in between contracts . My first contract was with a company called Volt. Volt is a large contractor for Microsoft, and most contracted employees tend to have their first contract through them, but not the second. I also fall into that category. I'm with a different company this time around. When I was eligible to return this last September, I contacted Volt to let them know I was looking. They said great, and that they would get my resume out. I received a couple potential postings, but ended up going with a different company. I told Volt that I wasn't going to use them, and the reasons why.

So a couple of days ago, I got this e-mail from a Volt recruiter. Here is the thing, they have my resume from before, so they know my skill set, and they know that I'm not an IT person. I have little IT experience, and no desire to be an IT person. Here is the e-mail the recruiter sent, I'll add sarcastic commentary where appropriate.

A new job opening is now available for your consideration. Volt has a new contract position available. For 4 months you could be working with Boeing in Huntsville, AL -Really. I could work for 4 months is Alabama! Wow how fantastic would it be to work in the deep south for 4 months!- making $60/hr. Please review the job description and requirements listed below:

Job Description: JOB DUTIES: Position is to assist in transitioning from legacy environment. Support planning and implementation of the new environment which is JDA's (formerly Manuguistics) NetWORKS Procurement tool. - blah, blah, blah -

Acceptable candidate will be able to schedule and plan assigned work. Analyze customer¿s business processes and develop and document requirements based on these processes. Design, code, compile, and test software to address requirements.-starting to sounds like an IT job- Demonstrate knowledge of database structures. Prepare program specifications for assigned programming tasks. Conduct design review and structured walk-through presentations. Prepare program documentation in compliance with established departmental standards. Investigate, analyze, and resolve application problems. Apply software engineering standards, processes, and techniques in assigned tasks.

Initial plan thru Jun 08, but additional employment extentions -misspelling are possible into 2009.

Requirements: JOB SKILLS: 4 to 5 years of software development experience required. - they have my resume and know I don't work in development- Strong organizational skills required. Previous CMMI experience required. -what the fuck is CMMI- Require previous experience MRP tools and Oracle database. -I know Oracle and I know the word is nowhere on my resume - Prefer experience with JDA's (formerly Manuguistics) NetWORKS Procurement tool.

Must exhibit excellent communication skills, both written and verbal. Ability to work well with others and within a team mandatory. Must also be fluent in standard IT development - yep IT job- processes and software life cycle. Macroscope or P+ knowledge desired. High ethical standards required.

If you are interested in this position, please contact me at -sorry bitch, but if I'm correcting your spelling, I don't want to even talk to you-

Thank you,

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Blue Badge Can't Hold His Coffee

This morning, I was in the break room getting a cup of water. It was around 9:00 in the morning; so the room was pretty active with people getting their morning cup of coffee, tea, or whatever. As I was walking toward the water dispenser a guy was attempting to put the lid on his styraphoam cup. In the process he managed to spill a decent portion of it on the floor, right in front of the filtered water dispenser. He quickly reached over to grab a couple of paper towels. So of course I assume he's going to use it to clean up his mess. As I'm filling my cup, I even stand out of the way to give him access to the spill on the floor. But like a typical Microsoft-FTE he wipes his hands and cup off, throws the towels in the trash, and walks out of the room. Me, being the cranky monkey that I am yell, "you're not going to clean up your mess" and under my breath "jackass". Of course he keeps walking.

Since one of my coworkers was in the break-room with me, I asked him, "so do you think he couldn't hear me, or he heard me and just ignored me?" my coworker responded with, "it was loud enough, I'm sure he heard you."

Oh what a joy it must be, to be the center of the universe and know that some magic fairy follows you around cleaning up behind you.

Monday, February 25, 2008


I've been blogging politics quite a bit lately, so I'd like to take it back to what I would like to think of as classic cranky, or offending as many people as possible.

Last Thursday I was walking my dog. We usually take a pretty long walk after work, and a portion of the walk involves a section of road that has a pretty high level of traffic. It also has a bar in one direction, kind of a shitty bar to be exact. So, I'm walking my dog, at around 4 or 5 in the afternoon, and I walk around a corner and end up walking behind some guy. I'm walking faster than he is, so I go to pass him and in the process notice his reek of alcohol. Then as we pass him, my dog startles the guy, and he makes some comment. Nothing rude or anything, just something about his slow pace. At this point I get a good look at his face. The guy had obviously been drinking and is now walking home from getting his drunk on. By looking at him, I could tell he doesn't have much money, very run down looking guy. Also, he's Native American or Indian, whichever you prefer.

This leads me to the point of this post: stereotypes. As we all know, it's rude to stereotype people in this age of political correctness. But if you think about it, there is a reason we have stereotypes. Because, in many cases its true. Of course nothing is true 100% of the time, but if the majority of the time something is true, then maybe stereotyping isn't that bad. For example, I've been to a few casinos… I mean reservations, and it's true that you see a lot of trashed cars in the front of drunken Indians houses. As I'm driving down the road and someone almost hits me, it's true that it's usually an Asian driver. Or, when I'm heading down to Rainer Valley to purchase my party supplies for the weekend, the guy I buy the drugs from is black. Or, that most women are overly emotional nut bags, incapable of carrying on a rational conversation. At work, when I walk into the break-room, and smell curry being heated in the microwave, it's always by someone from India. And of course, I don't want to leave white males out of this blog, since I am one. And it's true, most of us are successful businessmen. We are great lovers, and smart, and the leaders of society. Think about it like this, if our current president were anything other than a white male, do you think we would have actually voted him into office? No of course not, but he is, and he has his old boys club, and they helped him get his job, and all the other whites out there voted for him.

I've always been against profiling at airports, and any situation for that matter. But if you think about it, all the Muslim terrorist have been Muslims. So maybe stereotyping isn't that bad after all….

Friday, February 22, 2008

I Can't Wait Till # 3 is #1

This one was sent to me via text message - "proof Americans are dumb. Step up 2 was # 3 at the box office last week."

I don't think I need to add to that, it pretty much speaks for itself.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Pay More Get Less

A friend of mine forwarded this to me. It's another fine example of how, out of touch the legislators here is Washington are with the public. Sen. Rodney Tom, (D-Medina) proposed bill SB 6900 that would charge an additional cost to vehicle licensing fees based on engine displacement. For example, engine size (liters) Rate Schedule:
Up to 1.9 $0
2.0 - 2.9 $70
3.0 - 3.9 $225
4.0 - 4.9 $275
5.0 - 5.9 $325
6.0 - 7.9 $400
8.0 or over $600

First of all, I'd like to point out that we used to pay quite a bit in licensing, until Tim Eyman helped push through a voter referendum that cut it down to our current rates. Obviously the legislators are aware that we don't want to pay excessive taxes on our vehicle licensing.

All you Medina readers out there who like driving around in your Hummers, BMW's, and Escalades, remember the name Rodney Tom next time he us up for election in your district. And remember how he wants to make you pay a lot of money on those fancy vehicles of yours.

In reading over the Washington Votes site, it appears the legislation didn't make it out of committee. But it was proposed once, and could happen again. Personally I'm not to happy about the idea of paying $225.00 each year on my Toyota. So Median readers, help us set an example by voting this joker out of office, and let the rest of the out of touch politicians know if they ever try this again, they will get the boot as well.

How to contact your representatives: http://apps.leg.wa.gov/DistrictFinder/Default.aspx

Also, here is a list of other bills Rodney has proposed: http://www1.leg.wa.gov/Senate/tom/SponsoredBills.htm

He's apparently really into taxes. Check out SB 5891 Creating an income tax upon professional athletes

Friday, February 15, 2008

Forethought? Not in Shoreline Politics

Representative Maralyn Chase, from Shoreline and of course a Democrat, introduced house bill 2424 to the legislator this week. The bill would ban plastic grocery bags. Yep, the options are to buy tote bags, force stores to come up with an environmentally friendly alternative to plastic, and of course paper. So, I the consumer will have to spend money on a tote bag, which I also have to carry around with me. Or, I have to spend money on the alternatives, because as we all know, if the stores have to spend more on bags, the cost ends up going to the consumer. As in, plastic costs about a penny and paper costs about 4 cents to manufacture.

The statistic used to justify this bill is, that only 1 to 5 percent of the plastic bags used are recycled. Well yeah Maralyn you stupid cunt, some people actually use them as garbage bags, like me for example. So think about this, if I wasn't using the grocery bag as a garbage bag, I would buy a roll of them at the store and use those. The same fucking amount of plastic would end up in the garbage dumps!!! You know what else some people use them for? They use them to pick up dog crap. But apparently the government doesn't care about that. So if they succeed in this ban, I guess that means my dog will be leaving quite a few more puppy presents for people when we go for walks.

Let's look at the main alternative to plastic which is paper. If we don't use plastic, most people will use paper. Where does paper come from? That's right, trees!!! Does the bill take into account the continued destruction of forest? I doubt it. And what about the energy consumed to process and make the bags? The chemicals and energy used to recycle paper? Maralyn, you obviously aren't aware of this because you are a dumb cunt! Cutting down forest is bad for the environment as well. Mmmm kay!

You want people to start recycling plastic bags more Maralyn? I've got a real simple solution for you. Start requiring that the city recycling accept the bags in the blue bins. You know the ones, they sit right next to the regular trash cans. The blue cans that accept all recycling except for plastic bags for some reason. Look Maralyn people are lazy, accept it and move on. but instead of fucking everyone for the lazy few, just make it easy for them to be lazy. Because most everyone, including the lazy people recycle at home.

And to all my Shoreline readers. I know I've got at least one. Next time you are at the election booth, and Maralyn Chase is up for re-election. Please take her complete lack of forethought into consideration, and choose the other person, even if it is a republican.

More about this bill
www.leg.wa.gov/legislature and read House Bill 2424

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Mitt Tote

I made myself a vow that I would cut back on talking politics on this blog for a few weeks. Even I'm getting tired of the subject, and I'm totally into following politics. It's like a reality show, but better because it's scripted. Anyway, I just have to post another thing about Mitt the Rat. I was scrolling down and scanning through some of my old posts,( because they are so good even I can't stop reading them) and I noticed one of the Google ads on the side was for Mitt Romney 08 Gear. I just had to check out the site thinking that maybe I would pick up a t-shirt or something and use it as a cum rag for some late night masturbation. At first, I thought the site was some kind of a joke, some liberal hippie college students selling old republican gear to other ultra liberals. But it turns out, this is a Republican loving Democrat hating conservative site. not only can you get Mitt Romney tote bags, you can find buttons for Republican candidates no one has ever heard of. So anyway, since it turns out that the site was pro-republican, I couldn't support the company by buying something from them. But don't worry the search isn't over, I still might be able to find my Mitt Romney cum rag on CraigList or Ebay.

Monday, February 11, 2008

20 Rules For Being A Good Republican

Image Source
20 Rules for Being a Good Republican

1) Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you are millionaire conservative radio jock, which makes it a "disease" and needs our prayers for "recovery."

2) You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.

3) You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social Security checks on time.

4) You have to believe that government should stay out of people's private lives but it needs to punish
anyone caught having sex with the "wrong" gender.

5) You have to believe that pollution is ok, so long as it makes a profit.

6) You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.

7) You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.

8) You have to believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

9) You have to believe that you love Jesus and Jesus loves you, and that Jesus shares your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and Hillary Clinton.

10) Stem Cell research is bad, because it kills a possible life, while the research from it could save millions

11) You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, because we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex.

12) You have to believe that government Medicare is wrong and that HMOs and insurance companies only have your best interests at heart.

13) You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to deserve federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore it, it will go away.

14) You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is just good reading.

15) You have to believe that Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney was doing business with him, and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

16) You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein.

17) You believe that the public has "a right to know" about the adulterous affairs of Democrats, while those of Republicans are a "private matter".

18) You have to believe that the public has a right to know what the government is doing but that Bush was right to censor those 28 pages from the Congressional 9/11 report because you just can't handle the truth.

19) You have to believe that aid to mothers with dependent children is wasteful, but giving tax breaks to companies moving American jobs overseas is just what government is for.

20) You have to believe that trade with Cuba is wrong because it is communist, but trading with China and Vietnam is just dandy.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Another Dead Tree

I was going to blog today about Mitt The Rat dropping out of the Republican race for president. But I think a simple "yippee skippy" Is all I need to say about that. Today, I've decided to tell a story. A story about a young man, and his visit to Sears.

Last weekend I went to the local Sears store to buy a couple of items. In fact I bought two items exactly, one of which was a pair of jeans. So, I was standing in line waiting to buy my items, when I noticed the person ringing people up, was taking this huge wad of receipts and putting it into each persons bag. When my turn arrives, she rings the stuff up and goes to print out my version of long receipt. So I make a comment about it. She tells me that it's mostly coupons. I don't say anything else about it and leave. After getting home I took my stuff out of the bag and laid out the receipt to see just how long it was. As you can see from the below image, it was about 4 feet long. The top section is the actual receipt, the next couple sections were return information, and the rest was coupons. All of this receipt including the coupons I promptly deposited into the recycling.

Lets take this into prospective. There are multiple checkout stands in each Sears location, then we multiply this by the total number of Sears stores, and this equals a lot of receipt tape. So I guess now we know who is the cause of deforestation!!! Come on stores, give people the option of saying no to the coupons. Save a fucking tree!

Now, back to the jeans. After getting home, I took the jeans out of the bag and began to remove all the stickers and tags, only to notice that the girl didn't bother to take off the security tag. You know the one, it's the type that has a plastic piece on each side connected by a thin wire. So that if you attempt to remove it, it will break and leak ink all over the article of clothing.

Some of you might be thinking "Big deal. So he had to go back to the store and have it removed." Those of you who know me, might be thinking, "What did he do? Did he go back and strangle the girl with the jeans?" Well no to both of those. Because yes, I probably would have had to bitch slap her if I went back, and so as to avoid that, I decided to get out the thin wire clippers and see if I could clip the wire. Which I did attempt to do, and failed at. So now, I'm stuck with a pair of new jeans and a nice little ink stain on the ass. So next time you pass me in the hall and notice an ink stain on my ass, no I didn't sit on a pin. I just really hate going to the store!!!

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

Good Job Cranky Readers

As of a few weeks ago, it was looking like Mitt Romney might get the Republican nomination for president. So, I did my duty as an American and spoke out about what a travesty that would be, and you my readers listened. Yesterday was super Tuesday, and John McCain is now the front runner. The only possible explanation for this change in leads, has to be because of this blog. But remember, the race isn't over yet. Romney hasn't withdrawal from the running, and there are still a few states to go. So keep it up, we want to see the best both political parties has to offer in the November election, not the lamest like the last election. We all know how that ended up.

Unfortunately we can't stop the conservative extremists from voting, so we have to out vote them.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Go Red

Quite a few charities out there tend to totally piss me off. I've found that most charities don't contribute as much as possible to the cause. You might recall my recent post Reduce Carbon by Using Paper where here in the U.S. charities can get away with only providing 1% of the money towards the actual cause. I've also noticed in the past how many don't actually tell people where the money is going. Many of the global awareness ones do this. They say the money is going to fight global warming, but don't actually say how they are doing that.

This last winter I found the Red iPod that sends $10.00 per sale to combat AIDS in Africa. Recently Microsoft and Dell computers launched a Red computer, that $50.00 dollars from the sale goes to the Red charity. The reason I'm commenting on this is, I like the transparency of the company. On the joinred.com website, they state 100% of the money is used to "finance health and community support programs in Africa." According to one article I read, 4,400 people die each day in Africa from aids, and the pills to help keep them alive cost about 40 cents. So yeah, ten bucks from the sale of an Ipod or fifty from a dell computer, isn't much to us, but when we are looking at 40 cents a day per person. It makes a difference.

Personally I'm not a big contributor to social causes, but when purchasing items, if I have the choice between the regular product and the red one, I'll be going red.