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Thinking about going into the oldest profession in the world in these hard economic times? If so, give it some thought and planning before ...
One of the joys of working for Microsoft as a vender or contractor is you are not a full time employee, which of course means you are treate...
Image Source I love how I always get stuck dealing with poor customer service as it gives me something to write about in this blog. My...
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Friday, July 31, 2009
The conversation went something like this:
He grabs a Vibe Magazine, flips it open real quick to some girls in bikini pics, and says to me, "I'm so glad I'm not gay."
Me - "Um, yeah."
Him - Flipping through the magazine, "Not that I care if people are, just I'm glad I'm not gay. When I look at this, I'm glad I'm not gay"
Me - "Yeah, me to. I was just looking at this Maxim." Pointing to the Maxim Magazine with the scantly clad model on the front, to prove that I also am not gay.
Him - "When I look at pictures like these, I just am so glad I'm not gay."
Me - Nodding my head in agreement at the crazy mother fucker.
Him - "I am so glad I'm not gay"
Me - Continuing to nod in agreement.
Him - "When I was 8 (yes, he said 8) and watching porn, I was totally not looking at the dicks"
Me - looking over at the counter to see what was taking my buddy so long, "Umm hmm."
Him - I don't even know whey they show dicks."
Me - Walking to the other side of the rack, closer to the door and picking up a motorcycle magazine to flip through, "Yep, that's a pretty good sign you aren't gay."
Him - "I only want to look at the girls."
Me - "Me to."
Him - Still looking at the pictures, "Man, I'm so straight."
Me - Noticing my buddy walking towards the door. "Ready?" I walked out to join him for a smoke, even though I don't actually smoke.
I'd say this is a pretty accurate typing of the conversation, other than I might have left out a few "I'm not gay" statements. I'm going to make an assumption that this guy has some issues to work out.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Yes! We can now add one more, "where were you the day _" to the list. Along with the heavy snow days, the earthquake day, and the day the twin towers fell… Now, we can say where were you the day it hit 103?
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Last year it was MySpace, this year it's Facebook and Twitter, before that it was the blog or the personal website; and who knows what next year will bring, as the internet pundits are already predicting the death of Facebook, and trying to predict what will take it's place.
What have we become as a nation, a world, and a generation- where If it isn't said online, it hasn't been said. Where this little plastic and solder box I'm typing into was supposed to free us, giving us more time, that now takes up the majority of our days and nights. We've made them smaller and smaller, combining them with our phones so we can take them with us everywhere. Now instead of talking to each other at concerts and bars, we can update our "status" and add "friends" instead. No wonder we are a pill popping, pot smoking, microbrew drinking generation, slowly acknowledging our reach on middle age. Once a generation of music television watching, action packed movie kids, who thought we were going to be "somebody," only to find ourselves blogging each day as a temporary respite from creating that Power Point presentation, full of bubbles and animations that needs to be e-mailed to the boss, to demonstrate our added value to the bottom line.
And so with that - blog time is over. Now for another cup of Starbucks coffee, before compiling those spreadsheets, and prepping for the next meeting where we will review the spreadsheets, make notes of the ideas we have, and agree upon the time for the follow up meeting.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
1 - You have to be hot. This is hard because you are either hot or not. But a guy isn't going to pay good money for a not, so hit the gym.
2 - If you are offering hand jobs, do it right. If I have to close my eyes and imagine my own hand doing it, you are doing something wrong.
3 - Younger is better. Sorry ladies, but you will make more in your early 20's than in your early 50's. So invest some of that money for later in life when things start to sag.
4 - Do those Kegel exercises. You are going to be using it a lot, so you'll want to keep it as tight as possible.
5 - Don't just rely on your snatch. Most guys paying 4 grand to spend the night with you are probably married to some rigid bitch who only married him for clout or money. If he's spending the night with you, he wants to be entertained and someone to talk to. He might even want to go out for a night on the town and have fun.
6 - Keep it clean. Nothing worse than pulling back the panties and getting a whiff of stale vagina. Also, no guy likes harry legs, pits, or big bush. So keep it shaved and/or trimmed tight.
7 - Use a madam or a service. Hookers use pimps, classy girls use a madam or a members only website.
Ladies if you follow these 7 simple rules, you will have a short yet profitable career in the "oldest profession."
I originally posted this article in 2009 and now 7 years later after receiving over 34k page hits I received a notice by google that this blog post is violating their editorial policy. "Google ads may not be placed on pages with adult or any kinds of non family-safe content. This includes, but is not limited to, pages with images or videos containing..."
Based on the email it was clear that the editorial agent who flagged the page is totally unaware that this article is a joke, it is satire, it is not meant to be an actual guide to becoming a prostitute. Hopefully me now clarify that and changing the title will make it clear due to the mindless drones that work for google.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Friday, July 17, 2009
One of the amazing things (or not so amazing) about working at Microsoft is the lack of ability for Microsoft employees to actually use there own products.
I was in a meeting yesterday and it took two of them to update a meeting invite, and they actually had to rely on a vender to tell them out to update the meeting in outlook.
Yesterday, I was involved in a meeting and the meeting started 20 minutes late because the Microsoft employee running the meeting couldn't set up a conference call and live meeting at the same time.
On a regular bases I get questions from Microsoft employees asking how to edit SharePoint content, a product that Microsoft created.
Pretty much the only product that I've found Microsoft employees can use is Excel. In fact they are so dependant on it to manage there work, that when they are provided with a much better tool for managing work, they revert back to Excel.
Almost daily I'm amazed that this company is the largest software company in the world.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
According the latest study on obesity; Americans are getting fatter. Resulting in us having been, and continuing to be, the fattest country in the world. According to MSNBC the "obesity rates among adults rose in 23 states over the past year, and no state experienced a significant decline." Yet I have not heard a single politician on either side step up and say, how about we look at the root cause of the problem and try to fix that instead - fat people. According to the study "Medicare spends anywhere from $1,400 to $6,000 more annually on health care for an obese senior than for the non-obese." The fatties need diabetes care, have heart problems, and any number of other obese related issues.
Why is the government not focusing on the root problem? We can shit talk a smoker, but not a fat person. Instead of spending billions on healthcare reform, why not spend millions to promote health and wellness? Why not implement laws that require school to sell healthy lunches? Why?!?! Because we are a nation of political correctness and no politician wants to offend potential voters. Especially when those voters are older and overweight.
On an interesting side note: Eight of the 10 fattest states are in the South, with the Northeast and West slightly fitter than the rest of the country. The southern states usually being the ones who vote Republican, the party of small government will be the ones most in need of government sponsored medical assistance.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Check out yahoo news for full story.