Showing posts from July, 2009

"I'm Not Gay"

I was down at the 7-Eleven today, taking a break from the office with a co-worker. The co-worker was picking up some smokes. While I waited, I decided to hang out by the magazine rack. As I'm standing there, a tall black guy comes walking up. He's wearing his pimped out jacket, even though it's over 80 degrees outside, he has the long shorts on that hang down to the point that they look like capri pants. He has his baseball cap turned to the side, and is basically a walking stereotype.

The conversation went something like this:

He grabs a Vibe Magazine, flips it open real quick to some girls in bikini pics, and says to me, "I'm so glad I'm not gay."
Me - "Um, yeah."
Him - Flipping through the magazine, "Not that I care if people are, just I'm glad I'm not gay. When I look at this, I'm glad I'm not gay"
Me - "Yeah, me to. I was just looking at this Maxim." Pointing to the Maxim Magazine with the scantly clad model o…

The Great Heat Wave of 09

Where were you on that day in July, when the temperature exceeded 100 degrees and broke a record? Years from now, we can ask our friends and family, where they were that Wednesday back in 2009. it's in the news, it's in the conversations, it's all around us as it's so sweltering hot. The day was Wednesday July 29th and as is typical in this region, we complain about the rain, we complain about the traffic, we complain about the heat. Yes, my home was so hot I couldn't sit at home last night, and was forced to go to the local air-conditioned bar, play pool and drink beer with friends… Oh, it was so rough having to wait on that next cold one to be served up, it was so rough the few times I lost at the game, oh it was so rough going home after and walking into the oven of a home.

Yes! We can now add one more, "where were you the day _" to the list. Along with the heavy snow days, the earthquake day, and the day the twin towers fell… Now, we can say where were…

I Once Was Alive- Now it's the Next Generations Turn

And on to the next generation where we will no longer have real names, only online personas slowing becoming a series of 1's and 0's in a database somewhere. Where if your girlfriend/boyfriend pisses you off, you will post it for the world to see. Where your career can be made or broken based upon your online presence. A new generation, that will live in closer and closer confines, yet know less and less about the person living on the other side of the wall. A generation that recycles religiously and eats organic, yet knows nothing about poverty, water and food shortages from around the world; other than what they see on TV, or some quick paced flash filled new clip. A clip that they have seen so often, that its meaning will have lost all impact. A generation that will curse it's predecessor for what they have been given, yet be so overwhelmed with it, that change will seem futile. And so, they will continue the current pace of increased medication and consumption; not bec…

I Once Was Alive- Now I'm A Left-Wing, Know-It-All, Pseudo-Hippie

What kind of a generation have us X's turned into? A generation that watched our free love, hippie parents turn in the flowers for a desk job and an SUV. We've consumed to the point that our economy is dependant on it. We buy our Toyota Prius thinking we are saving the planet, all the while contributing to it's overpopulation. A generation where we will anonymously express our political views online, calling each other names and throwing out insults. The right and the left, in a never ending battle of superiority being broadcast for the world to see. A generation that feels the need to donated money to offset our carbon footprint to some unknown charity, so that we can feel better about that family road trip, or flight to a tropical 3rd world island where we stay in that all inclusive resort. The resort where our only experience in the local life has to do with the people who bring us our umbrella filled drinks. A generation that spends its free time responding to e-mail…

I Once Was Alive- Now I'm Online

I was out with a couple of friends last Friday evening, and somehow the subject of Facebook came up, as it often does these days. And I found myself almost bragging about the number of friends I had on the site, as if the number of random people, many whom I never talk to, is a statistic on how important I am. The conversation also involved my blog, or maybe it was someone else's blog, who knows these days as we all have one.

Last year it was MySpace, this year it's Facebook and Twitter, before that it was the blog or the personal website; and who knows what next year will bring, as the internet pundits are already predicting the death of Facebook, and trying to predict what will take it's place.

What have we become as a nation, a world, and a generation- where If it isn't said online, it hasn't been said. Where this little plastic and solder box I'm typing into was supposed to free us, giving us more time, that now takes up the majority of our days and nights…

Bill Mahar on Michael Jackson and America

Being one of the people who is sick of hearing about Michael Jackson; a guy who until his death pretty much no one liked, Bill Mahar does a pretty good job of relating our obsession with him, and what it means to be an American. Check it out.

7 Steps to Becoming A High Priced Call Girl - Not Really!

Thinking about going into the oldest profession in the world in these hard economic times? If so, give it some thought and planning before just jumping into the business. Sure, anyone can be a low class hooker, walking the street offering $20.00 blow jobs, but to be the next Ashley Dupre charging $4,000.00 a night, you need to be extra special. So here are the 7 steps to classy prostitution- the Cranky Monkey way:

1 - You have to be hot. This is hard because you are either hot or not. But a guy isn't going to pay good money for a not, so hit the gym.
2 - If you are offering hand jobs, do it right. If I have to close my eyes and imagine my own hand doing it, you are doing something wrong.
3 - Younger is better. Sorry ladies, but you will make more in your early 20's than in your early 50's. So invest some of that money for later in life when things start to sag.
4 - Do those Kegel exercises. You are going to be using it a lot, so you'll want to keep it as tight as poss…

The End of the Line for the Fish

Interesting movie to think about next time you are eating that nice healthy fish for dinner.

The End of the Line :: Home Page

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Microsoft FTE's Who Can't Use Own Products

One of the amazing things (or not so amazing) about working at Microsoft is the lack of ability for Microsoft employees to actually use there own products.

I was in a meeting yesterday and it took two of them to update a meeting invite, and they actually had to rely on a vender to tell them out to update the meeting in outlook.
Yesterday, I was involved in a meeting and the meeting started 20 minutes late because the Microsoft employee running the meeting couldn't set up a conference call and live meeting at the same time. On a regular bases I get questions from Microsoft employees asking how to edit SharePoint content, a product that Microsoft created.

Pretty much the only product that I've found Microsoft employees can use is Excel. In fact they are so dependant on it to manage there work, that when they are provided with a much better tool for managing work, they revert back to Excel.

Almost daily I'm amazed that this company is the largest software company in the world.

Fat America and Healthcare

We've been hearing a lot lately about health care with the Democrats attempting to revamp the system. One of the big things we hear about is of course the cost, "the rising cost of healthcare." The government wants to spend money to reduce the cost for all the Americans who love to over drug themselves, and over indulge.

According the latest study on obesity; Americans are getting fatter. Resulting in us having been, and continuing to be, the fattest country in the world. According to MSNBC the "obesity rates among adults rose in 23 states over the past year, and no state experienced a significant decline." Yet I have not heard a single politician on either side step up and say, how about we look at the root cause of the problem and try to fix that instead - fat people. According to the study "Medicare spends anywhere from $1,400 to $6,000 more annually on health care for an obese senior than for the non-obese." The fatties need diabetes care, have hea…

The French Rude? No Way!

You ever hear about Americans traveling in France, and how the French accuse us of being rude. Well now we can respond back with, "at least we are not as rude as you." In a recent study by Expedia that rated the rudest tourists, The French came in as the number one rudest tourists. The French apparently act arrogant (big surprise) but they also don't bother to learn the local language, and get offended at the fact that we like to tip our servers, i.e. they are cheep.

Check out yahoo news for full story.

Ahhhh The American Dream

As the 4th of July draws to a close and America celebrates its freedom, it is customary to spend some time reflecting on the American dream and what that means to us. The American dream of owning a house with a white picket fence, two kids, an SUV in the driveway and a 50 inch plasma TV hanging on wall in the family room. Our great nation of roads and highways that allow us to commute to the McMansions invading the country side, where we don't have to worry about cutting down our oxygen producing forests, because we can expect the Amazon to always be there. The land where you can say anything you want as long as you don't offend anyone. The home of the brave who will invade another country to protect us from perceived threats. Soldiers fighting at the bequest of our politicians, taking prisoners who we deny the same rights that we as citizens expect to receive. The land of the Christian majority who love you and forgive you even though they know you are going to hell. Ah yes, …

A Little Environmental Advertising

Wonder why we don't see this type of advertising during out evening tv. Courtesy of tree hugger.